Good, not evil

Today, let's look at Proverbs 31:12 - 

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life (KJV)
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life (NIV)
She will not hinder him but will help him all her life (NLT)
She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her (AMP)
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long (MSG)

And if these versions of Proverbs 31:12 aren't convincing enough, a bit more evidence can be found here (all in HCSB format):

Proverbs 12:4 - A capable wife is her husband’s crown, but a wife who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.

Proverbs 19:13 - A foolish son is his father’s ruin, and a wife’s nagging is an endless dripping.

Proverbs 21:19 - Better to live in a wilderness than with a nagging and hot-tempered wife.

Proverbs 25:24 - Better to live on the corner of a roof than to share a house with a nagging wife.

I'm beginning to see a pattern.  There is no clause that specifies ANY time that a virtuous wife can be contempt or contentious with her husband.  In fact, much evidence is presented that wives should never speak ill toward their husbands.  We'll discuss that more in a  bit.  To dig deeper into the meaning of these verses, it is important to study the vocabulary used in the various translations.

Google defines harm as "actual or potential ill effect or danger."  That seems a bit harsh to me.  Of course I don't want to put my husband in danger either intentionally or accidentally.  But we have to look past just physical danger in this definition.  What type of danger do we cause our husbands when we constantly fuss about laundry, bills, what's on TV or where to eat dinner?  I love my husband, but honestly when I am cleaning up the umteenth cup off his nightstand because Sweet Pea likes to pull them down, spilling whatever happens to still be inside them, I am not thinking of bringing him good.  It goes against human nature, or maybe just against cultural norms of what we as women and wives should "put up with" or tolerate from our husbands.  

I wonder how many times PW (Proverbs 31 Wife) had to clean up cups off her husband's nightstand?  Or how often she laid awake just waiting for Hubby to fall asleep so she could turn off the TV?

So let's look at what TO do to bring our husbands good all our lives...

Matthew Henry's Commentary says:

"She makes it her constant business to do him good, and is afraid of doing any thing, even through inadvertency, that may turn to his prejudice..."  

This means that a virtuous wife ensures that she doesn't even accidentally disrespect or "bring harm" to her husband.  

I like to look at some newer translations here:

She comforts, encourages, and does him only good as long as there is life within her (AMP)
Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long (MSG)

Google says to comfort is to "ease the grief or distress of; console."  or to "improve the mood of or restore a sense of well-being to."  That seems pretty straightforward.  When Hubby is distressed, I should ease his grief or console him.  I feel like I try to do that.  Although, if I am honest, I sometimes just walk away and let him stew.  I should probably be more active in consoling him.  A long time ago I read The Five Love Languages and it was extremely helpful for me to understand and identify our communication deficiencies.  My husband likes physical touch.  The touch of my hand on his hand, or rubbing his head with my fingers communicates to him that I love him.  This is not a natural event for me because it is not my love lanuage. I need to do that more to "improve his mood."

Henry goes on to say, "She shows her love to him, not by a foolish fondness, but by prudent endearments, accommodating herself to his temper, and not crossing him, giving him good words, and not bad ones..." 

This means that we are past the "puppy love" stage of life where we are loving and doting just because the love is new, and fresh.  Google defines prudent as "acting with or showing care and thought for the future."  If PW is prudent with her endearments toward her husband, she is considering his feelings and his reputation into the future, past whatever squabble she sees with him at the present.  That is SO very difficult to do.  Instead of seeing the laundry on the floor, AGAIN, or asking for the trash to be taken out for the THIRD day in a row... PW is prudent and sees past these present flaws and chooses not to cross her husband with ill words. 

Hmmmm... that seems difficult, and honestly not fair at first.  But, on the other hand, is a fight over dirty underwear or trash really going to bring honor and glory to God?

Henry adds that the Proverbs 31 wife is also "attending him with diligence and tenderness when any thing ails him..." 

I struggle at being a caregiver for my husband.  I'm natural with my daughter.  I have patience, I go out of my way to hold and cuddle her and figure out what is ailing her that I can cure.  With Hubby... not so much.  This is definitely an area I can seek to improve upon.   

The hardest part for me is yet to come... "And this is her care all the days of her life; not at first only, or now and then, when she is in a good humour, but perpetually; and she is not weary of the good offices she does him: She does him good, not only all the days of his life, but of her own too; if she survive him, still she is doing him good in her care of his children, his estate, and good name, and all the concerns he left behind him."

Wow... not just when it suits me, but always.  Not when I wake up refreshed and happy, but even when I feel grouchy and grumpy.  Not only when he is respectful and kind first, but perpetually.  That's a tough pill to swallow for me.  So often, I justify my actions because I feel an injustice has occurred and I am reacting to it.  Or, I rationalize, "If only Hubby would... then I could..."  But Henry's commentary brings up a valid point.  There is no justification clause.  There is no "if, then" statement in verse 12.  It simply states that a wife brings good to her husband, all the days of her life.

Ok, so now we understand that we are supposed to be good to our husbands.  But where will this goodness come from? (I mean obviously we need to pray for it and God will deliver the training through life lessons, but I need a plan.  I need a checklist!)  For that, I turn to Galatians 5:22-23, the fruit of the Spirit:

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Notice this translation uses the singular term fruit and not the plural fruits.  These traits are lumped together, not be separated.  When we show our husbands these traits on a consistent basis, regardless of eternal circumstances, we will be bringing them good, not harm.

Almighty Father, Thank You for my husband.  Thank You for the opportunities You have presented me to learn to show the fruit of the Spirit.  Lord, help me to show love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control toward my husband consistently.  Father I want to live according to Your will and be good to my husband all the days of my life.  I want to comfort and encourage him generously without spite.  A nagging wife can only bring harm to her husband, so I ask that You change my heart, O God, to reflect Your awesome grace and compassion.  Remind me when I am picking up laundry or washing dishes that by serving my husband I am living in Your Word and bringing him good.  Steer Satan away so that my heart may not be tarnished with negative thoughts that creep in, causing harm.  I strive to be the woman You created me to be to fulfill Your will in my life.  Help me to model for Sweet Pea what virtuous women do so that I may train her up in Your ways.  I ask all these desires of my heart in Jesus' holy name, Amen.

One step forward...

Two steps back.  Uggghh! Epic. Wife. Fail...

Is it just me or when you make up your mind that you are going to change something for the better, especially spiritually, Satan attacks that much more ferociously.  I mean, c'mon, seriously?

Ok, so today, Day 2, did NOT go according to plan.  I was up most of the night tending to a fussy, teething Sweet Pea and did not sleep much.  I tagged in the Hubster so I could get a nap at about 8:00 this morning.  I slept for about an hour and a half before I was back on duty.  I was grumpy.  I was grouchy.  But I was determined.  Today I was going to bring him good, not evil (v. 12).  I asked Hubby if he had fed Sweet Pea while I slept and he told me no, he had to work on a paper due this week.

Grrrrr... Ok, bring him good, bring him good.

I fed Sweet Pea and we played for a bit with the spring sensory bin I made before Easter.  She loves those plastic eggs! Then it was bath time, for both of us.  I bathed Sweet Pea and dressed her for the day ahead of running errands, last day of Spring Break and we were going shopping!  I asked Hubby to keep an eye on her while I showered.  His office opens directly to the living room where Sweet Pea was playing.  As I stepped out of the shower, I hear the pitter patter coming towards me.  "She wanted you," he hollers from the office.

Geeze, don't I get one free second?  Good, remember... deep breath.  He has a paper due.  He's really busy.  I can do this.

I manage to smear on some makeup while chasing a 1 year old around the bedroom.  I also successfully keep her from grabbing the hot flat iron.  It's a good day!

On the way out the door, "Can I go with you?"

WHAT?!?!?! You couldn't feed the baby or watch her for me to shower but you want to go shopping?  Holy night... calm. calm. calm.

"I thought you needed to finish your projects?" I coo rather softly, with a smile.

He agrees and back the computer he goes.  Out the door Sweet Pea and I go.  Coffee!!!!

After several stops around town, including coffee, Ulta, and Bed Bath & Beyond, Hubby calls and has finished 2 of said projects and now would like to go eat.  I comply, if he will go grocery shopping with me.  I'm going to give this cooking at home thing a try.  I haven't cooked much since Sweet Pea was born 17 months ago.  Honestly, I don't mind the cooking.  But the kitchen-cleaning after the cooking.  That drives me IN-SANE!

I thought all through dinner I was holding it together pretty well, listening to Hubby go on and on about school and projects and wounds and nutrition... apparently not.  He hits me with "What happened?  You were so pleasant last night."

Awwwwwwww..... I. AM. SUCH. A. FAILURE.

I couldn't believe it.  I was whiny.  I complained about a comment he made at the grocery store that I really did create a mountain of nothing. And then got so mad when he laughed about it.  But still... he noticed.

"It must be hard work to be that pleasant I guess." he says later at home.

Double whammy... "Why IS this SO hard?" I wondered to myself.




Heavenly Father, I love You and I am so thankful for the man You created just for me.  Father, help me to have a pure heart and a loving, compassionate spirit with my husband.  Help me to follow his leadership.  Help me to pray for his well-being and not just because I want him to change.  Help me to hold my tongue and speak with encouraging words.  Help me to be "pleasant" and pleasing to him in all ways.  My resounding cry is HELP ME!  Only when I lean on You will I be able to accomplish the task of becoming a woman of virtue.  I want to align myself with who You created to me, not who culture or the world dictates I should be.  Help me, Father.  As I study Your Word, commit these words and principles to my life.  Write them on my heart, Father, that I would reflect Your compassion toward others, especially my husband.  I worship and love You, my Almighty.  I cherish the man You placed in my life and he deserves a virtuous wife.  Help me, Father to resist the temptation to lash out in anger or contention.  My desire is to bring my husband good, not evil.  Praise to You, Lord that I can begin fresh and anew in the morning.  In Jesus' holy name, Amen.

A journey of a thousand miles...

That's what this endeavor feels like.  Becoming a Proverbs 31 woman feels like a journey of a thousand miles.  In those 22 verses, we (women) are told EXACTLY what constitutes a godly woman... a capable woman... a virtuous woman... (depending on your translation).  Every time I have ever read this passage I feel overwhelmed and underqualified to be a wife.  I have always felt like achieving the level of "with-it-ness" of this woman was unattainable.

I married my hunky husband at 21 years of age... fresh out of high school at 18 and attending a local college together.  We both knew from our second date that we would be together forever in harmonious marriage.  Ok, so maybe harmonious isn't exactly the adjective our friends and family would use to describe us.  Passionate, yes.  Strong-willed, yes.  Opinionated, yes.  Harmonious, not so much.  But, we both love each other dearly and through all our trials have been committed to God, to each other, and to our marriage.  We have seen each other through new jobs, losing jobs, master's degrees, and even a long hard road of infertility.  We have lost loved ones, dealt with childhood abuse as it manifests in adulthood, and even birthed our little miracle.  We have, in my humble opinion, been through the ringer... together.

But now I am 30.  I am not only a wife, but I am now a mother.  Being a capable, virtuous, godly woman has never had more weight and responsibility than it does today.

A journey of a thousand miles... begins with a single step.

As I approach the Proverbs 31 at this stage of my life, I realize that she is the epitome of a woman.  A whole woman.  A capable woman.  A virtuous woman.  She is exactly who God had in mind for each of us to strive to be.

As I contemplate ways to improve my relationship with my husband, I keep coming back to, or being pointed back to, this passage of scripture.  Now, Proverbs 31 looks more like a blueprint for godly womanhood.  Still intimidating, but not quite so daunting.  In order to create the kind of world I want my daughter to grow into, I NEED and WANT to be this woman.

In looking up quotes about journeys, I also found this quote by an unknown author:
       "The first step toward getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are."

And this gem, attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.:
       "Take the first step in faith.  You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."

Will you join me?  Will you also take the first step toward becoming the Proverbs 31 woman?  I'll be giving you my true and honest reactions as I walk this path.  Journey with me!



Father,
       I thank You for each and every reader of this blog.  I pray that you will stir in their hearts the type of passion and commitment you have been stirring in mine.  I pray that you give me wisdom and guidance as I approach this journey.  I don't know where You will lead me, but I am trusting You to direct my feet and guide my path.  Father, I also pray that you will help me become the type of woman that you deem worthy of her children's blessings and her husband's praises.  I want to be a capable, virtuous woman after Your heart.  In Jesus' name, Amen.